What, where, when? Help!

Part of my never wanting to get married dialogue was because I didn't know what sort of wedding I would want. I knew what I didn't want, which was a church or registry office wedding. I hated the thought of an all-day-long affair, with a sit-down meal. Jeez, the thought of seating plans and who talks to whom and will that person upset that other person type scenario filled me with dread. Then there was the option of going abroad - loved that idea but then fretted how that would go down with the mothers - neither of whom travel abroad. Then there was the option of just the two of us, in the UK, with a couple of witnesses - or the stepson and his wife. But again, the thought of what the fallout could be from other family and friends just filled me with dread.

The easiest thing, therefore, was just don't get married. It has never been on my radar, so why did it matter or seem important to me now?

Well, that is easy to answer - I now have an infant grandchild through my stepson - and suddenly I have this deep longing to be an official part of his family. Not just the partner. I know that may sound weird, being married doesn't make me any more or less a grandparent, but it inexplicably matters to me.

So, I started looking at wedding venue ideas. Let me tell you, that was enough to put me off again! If you look at the galleries of civil sites (registry offices for example) you will see pictures of more mature couples exchanging rings, but somehow, and I fully admit this is probably just my own bias, they all looked like this was their second marriage. And I just didn't want that - this is my first marriage, my first ever wedding day, and I don't want to tie the knot at a place I consider to be for second-timers. Both my parents remarried in registry offices so that is, I am sure, where my bias comes from.

Then you look at the galleries from church weddings, stately homes, country houses and the images you see before you are of young, happy, carefree couples, with 10 bridesmaids, 6 groomsmen, and throngs of people cheering them on.

Wow, is this me? Should I be doing this? Will I look ridiculous at my age, with no bride-tribe (yep, that is a thing) and guests with an age range of 40-80? No, no I can't do this, this is a stupid idea, it will cost too much money, it will be too stressful, it will be....... (insert here any and every excuse you can think of not to do this).

But, hold on a minute, what about that lovely barn near here where we had Sunday lunch a few months back. I mean, that is a wedding venue too? Oh, but it is probably going to be way too expensive. Oh, ok, I will just pop onto their website and take a look. I mean it won't hurt just to look?

What's this? A twilight wedding - not heard of that before, let's scroll down and see what that is all about. A lovely little graphic was there depicting the day's timeline. Pamper and preen, 3 pm, guests arrive at 4:30 pm, ceremony 5:30 pm. Oh ok, that sounds interesting, it is not a whole day affair but equally it is not just a half-hour in some grey council building. Let me carry on reading. Next, choose your menu. Oh here we go (cue a seating plan image in my mind). A BBQ, a hot fork buffet, a burger or pasta bar. Wow, ok, that sounds more like it. You have my attention.

Next thing I know, I am on the phone to the other half, excitedly telling him all about twinkly fairy lights from the barn beams, buffets, lots of dancing and if we do it on a Thursday we save loads of money...... "OK" he says, "get us booked in for a viewing".

So I did, and we are now having a twilight wedding in a barn, with a buffet (not stale sandwiches and sausage rolls) in a year's time so that the grandchild will be old enough to be my version of a bride tribe.

You see, the one thing this journey has started to teach me is this: it is My/Our version of a wedding. Once that seed was firmly planted in my brain, the doubts and fears I was feeling started to subside.